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Cyclists ride
over the
A fibrosis of
bicycle lanes is spreading through the cities of the world. The well-being of
innocent motorists is threatened as traffic passageways are choked by the spread
of dull whirs, sharp whistles and sanctimonious
pedal-pushing.
Bike lanes
have appeared in all the predictable places—
Then there is
the notorious case of
The
proliferation of
The bicycle
is a parody of a wheeled vehicle—a donkey cart without the cart, where you do
the work of the donkey. Although the technology necessary to build a bicycle has
been around since ancient
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Image
The Image
Works
A French
racing cyclist, in 1912
Almost
everything that travels on a city street, including some of the larger people in
the crosswalks, can crush a bicycle. Everything that protrudes from or into a
city street—pot holes, pavement cracks, manhole covers—can send a bicycle flying
into the air. When the president of the
Given that
riding a bike in a city is insane and that very few cities need more insane
people on their streets, why the profusion of urban bike lanes? One excuse for
bike lanes is that an increase in bicycle riding means a decrease in traffic
congestion. A visit to
Bike lane
advocates also claim that bicycles are environmentally friendly, producing less
pollution and fewer carbon emissions than automobiles. But bicycle riders do a
lot of huffing and puffing, exhaling large amounts of CO2. And whether a bicycle
rider, after a long bicycle ride, is cleaner than the exhaust of a modern
automobile is open to question.
If drops in
pollution and traffic congestion are wanted and if discomfort and inconvenience
are the trade-offs, we should be packed into tiny circus clown cars. These fit
neatly into bike lanes and provide more amusement to bystanders than bicycle
wrecks.
In fact, bike
lanes don't necessarily lessen car travel. A study by the U.K. Department for
Transport found that the installation of "cycle facilities" in eight towns and
cities resulted in no change in the number of people driving cars. Bike lanes
don't even necessarily increase bike riding. In the late 1980s and early 1990s
the Dutch government spent $945 million on bicycle routes without any
discernible effect on how many Dutch rode bicycles.
“The bicycle
is a parody of a wheeled vehicle—a donkey cart without the cart, where you do
the work of the donkey.”
But maybe
there's a darker side to bike-lane advocacy. Political activists of a certain
ideological stripe want citizens to have a child-like dependence on government.
And it's impossible to feel like a grown-up when you're on a bicycle if you
aren't in the Tour de France.
All but the
most athletic among us get on and off a bicycle the way a toddler goes up and
down stairs. Wearing bicycle shorts in public is more embarrassing than wearing
Depends. Exchanging briefcases for backpacks takes us from the boardroom to the
schoolyard. And it's hard to keep a straight face when talking to anyone in a
Skittles-colored, Wiffle ball-slotted bike helmet that makes you look like Woody
Woodpecker.
Bike lanes
must be intended to foster immaturity or
This
promotion of childishness in the electorate means that bike lanes are just the
beginning. Soon we'll be making room on our city streets for scooter and
skateboard lanes, Soapbox Derby lanes, pogo-stick lanes, lanes for Radio Flyer
wagons (actually more practical than bicycles since you can carry a case of
beer—if we're still allowed to drink beer), stilt lanes, three-legged-race
lanes, lanes for skipping while playing the comb and wax paper, hopscotch lanes
and Mother-May-I lanes with Mayor Bloomberg at the top of Lenox Hill shouting to
the people on Park Avenue, "Take three baby steps!"
A good,
hard-played game of Mother-May-I will make us all more physically fit. Fitness
being another reason given for cluttering our cities with bike lanes. But why is
it so important that the public be fit? Fit for what? Are they planning to draft
us into forced labor battalions?
Bike lanes
violate a fundamental principle of democracy. We, the majority who do not ride
bicycles, are being forced to sacrifice our left turns, parking places and
chances to squeeze by delivery trucks so that an affluent elite can feel good
about itself for getting wet, cold, tired and run-over. Our tax dollars are
being used to subsidize our annoyance.
Bicycle
riders must be made to bear the burden of this special-interest boondoggle.
Bicycle registration fees should be raised until they produce enough revenue to
build and maintain new expressways so that drivers can avoid city streets
clogged by bike lanes. Special rubber fittings should be made available so that
bicycle riders can wear E-ZPass transponders on their noses. And riders' license
qualifications should be rigorous, requiring not only written exams and road
tests but also bathroom scales. No one is to be allowed on a bicycle if the view
he or she presents from behind causes the kind of hysterical laughter that stops
traffic.
Bike lanes
can become an acceptable part of the urban landscape, if bicycle riders are
willing to pay their way. And if they pay enough, maybe we'll even give them a
lift during the next snow storm.
—Mr.
O'Rourke's many books include "Don't Vote—It Just Encourages the
Bastards."